| Of Sheep and Wolves By Paul Bane |
“What’s up sport?” Josh said, walking past Brian's cubicle with the gait of one who holds himself in high
regard.
Brian glared at the monitor in front him, smoothing the pleats on his pants with one hand and balling the
other into a fist. The fluorescent lights overhead illuminated the contours in his forehead where veins
threatened to break through. Slowly, one finger at a time, his right hand released and he laid it on the
desk palm up, looking at the neat little crescents where his nails had bitten into his palm.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” Brian whispered, “For thou
art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” The mantra faded from his lips when he felt his
heart slow down and the anger recede from his face. He turned back to the monitor and started typing
again.
The office chatter rose on the other side. Like a prairie dog, Brian stood and looked towards the
commotion. Of course, he thought to himself, only one source for commotion in this place. Josh was
telling one of his stories of long nights and drunk maidens to anyone who would listen (which just so
happened to be everyone in the western hemisphere). Brian severely wanted to hit something. Instead,
he glanced at the clock on the wall behind him. Twenty minutes to lunch, I can make that, he told himself.
Brian glanced through his inbox, opened the account files that needed to be added to the system, set
the station on standby, got up and walked to the bathroom. Of course, in order to get to the bathroom
he had to walk through the Josh fan club.
“Sheep,” he muttered under his breath as he kept his head down and weaved through the cubicle aisles
to the men’s room.
He tended to the business at hand, rolled his sleeves up and washed his hands. He dried his hands on a
paper towel then used it to open the door. He stepped out and right into a blurred female figure.
Instinctively, he grabbed her shoulders to keep her from falling, in the meantime catching her auburn hair
between his hands and her jacket.
“Ouch, man!” she nearly shouted.
Brian released and stepped back, flustered.
“Sorry, didn’t see you there,” he said, suddenly recognizing her. “Oh, hey, Amanda.”
“Oh, Bri, hey, what’s up?”
He laughed, “Not much. You? How’s accounts receivable?”
“Same shit, different day.”
“You’re telling me,” he said smiling.
“Speaking of, I should probably get back.”
“Oh right. Well, I’ll see ya.”
“K,” she said as he turned and walked away. “Oh, hey, Bri?” He turned, eyebrows raised. “You might want
to cover those up.”
He looked down at his tattooed arms and rolled his sleeves back down.
“Thanks,” he said and walked back to his desk. From his vantage point, he watched her glide back to her
seat, grab a brown bag from under her desk, rise and head towards the elevator. He checked the time,
grabbed his own bag, logged off for lunch and headed towards the elevator. He had to quick-step it to
make it there, but managed to slide between the closing doors.
“Where you headed?” Amanda asked him.
“Just wondering if you’d mind some company?” he said.
She smiled. “Not at all. You up for a picnic?”
“Always,” he said, returning the smile.
12:30 p.m. brought about the migration of office workers from the cafeteria and surrounding corporate
park back into the building. For the most part, people traveled in small groups of two or three, except for
one large contingent, at the center of which strode Josh. Brian would have glared had he not been so
preoccupied with watching Amanda.
“That was fun, we’ll have to do it again,” she said, smiling and walking back to her desk.
Brian turned and went to his own, still watching. The second group—the Josh fan club—came out of the
elevator’s second trip and herded towards their respective stations. Only one departed, Brian, their
leader. He left the others to their own devices, much to their chagrin Brian was sure and headed across
the office to where Amanda sat.
“No,” he whispered, his hands balling into fists. “No.”
Josh put one hand on the back of her chair and the other on top of her hand as she maneuvered the
mouse. He was saying something to her and she was smiling and laughing. About what? Brian knew
what. The only thing they could be smiling and laughing at. And, as if on cue, Josh looked up at him,
smiled, winked, then turned back to Amanda and kept talking. If she wasn’t receptive of his moves, she
certainly didn’t show it.
“No,” Brian mouthed, unable to actually speak. His hands were slick with sweat and blood that peeked
around his nails. “No.” He shook his head. This couldn’t be happening. How long had it been since he’d
actually spoke to someone other than his two constant mental companions? How long since he’d spoken
to a girl? How long since he’d had a girl speak to him? “No.” Of all the offices; of all the departments; of
all the girls, why, God, why did he set his sights on Amanda? Why? “You should have known better,” he
said to himself, logging onto the computer and resuming his menial job. “Should have fuckin’ known
better.”
The end of the day came and went; as did the rest of the night. Brian made his required phone calls,
attended his required meetings, and read his required books. He said the 23rd. psalm, climbed into bed
and fell asleep to the image of the moon drifting through the slits on his shades.
Friday morning came to the sound of Brian's obnoxious alarm clock. He shut the alarm off, showered,
brushed his teeth, grabbed a banana and the lunch he had made last night from the refrigerator and
headed out the door. He took the bus to the stop at the entrance to the corporate park, got off with a
few other people he worked with but didn’t care to know and made his way into the building. He clocked
in and started his daily routine all over again.
He opened the email program, went through the account files and there, staring him in the face was one
from Amanda. He clicked on it. Only one line long, but it stung like a knife in the shoulder blade. Josh
invited me out to the clubs with him tonight, wanna come? He supposed he should feel better knowing
that she thought of him enough to want to include him. But what stopped that thought process before it
even got started was the simple fact that she could not only stand Josh, she actually wanted to spend
time with him. She wanted to join the sheep, the Josh-zombies. He deleted it and let it go.
Lunch time came and he found himself steeling his nerves against the anxiety gripping him to stand up
and go with her. No, he told himself, if she wants to willingly walk into the lion’s den as just another
sheep, she’s not worth your time. Sheep are sheep and wolves are wolves, he thought. According to
public officials, Brian was certainly not considered a ‘sheep’, nor could he stand anyone labeled as such.
“Hey, you, whatcha doin’ hidin’ back here for?” Amanda asked. He turned in his chair and looked at her
with the kind of lingering detachment. Her smile never faltered. “You wanna do lunch?”
Was she for real? This might just be your chance to save the sheep, he thought. This might just be
your chance at something better, something worthwhile. Maybe he could save her from the lion’s den.
“Sure, I’ve just had a lot of accounts to add today.”
She nodded as if she had any idea what he actually did on his side of the office and let him lead her to
the elevator. The rest of the Josh fan club had already left, and he felt secure enough to hold the doors
for her and pretend like nothing happened.
As they sat watching the geese splash around in the large pond at the center of the park, she asked, “So
you don’t read your email?”
“Huh?”
“I sent you something yesterday and you haven’t sent anything back yet.”
Brian remembered the email. It all seemed like a year ago.
“Oh, right, sorry, just forgot about it,” he lied.
“Well…?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Why?”
“I’d just rather not,” he said, turning away from her.
How do you explain loathing?
“Oh, ok. Well it just sounded like fun.”
“Not with him it doesn’t.”
“What do you mean, ‘with him’?”
“Let’s just say me and Josh aren’t on the best of terms.”
“Why?”
“Just aren’t.”
“Oh come on, you have to have a reason for not liking Josh. I mean everybody likes Josh. You’re the first
person I’ve met who…”
“Yeah, well there are firsts for everything,” he cut her off.
“Ok, then,” she said, getting up and walking towards the building.
He watched her go, regretting his words, but at the same time grateful he hadn’t lied about them.
The day concluded the same as any other, with Brian walking to the bus stop alone. The ride home was
long and lonely, as it always was.
A full week passed before the blatant manifestation of a relationship blossomed for the office to see. At
first, Amanda had given nothing away, but as the week progressed, however, Josh's touching increased
in both frequency and intimacy. Yet, at the same time, Brian knew that some piece of the puzzle lay
hidden from view. Something did not fit here.
Brian and Amanda had met on orientation day, more than two months ago. He knew they had hit it off
right away and was proud of himself for it. It was a step towards 'progress', towards 're-assimilation into
society'. Brian being, well…Brian, had not pursued her, but kept tabs on her and they talked off and on
through email correspondence. And while no intimate relationship had developed, Brian considered
Amanda his friend; his first new friend. And what he knew about Amanda led him to believe that Josh's
advances were little more than an act to make people believe he had secured another proverbial notch on
his belt.
“That’s got to piss him off,” Brian said to no one in particular.
Then it happened. Friday afternoon, right before lunch…
Brian grabbed his lunch bag, logged off the computer and stood up. The office sat empty, devoid of any
employees other than himself; except for two others. Josh leaned against Amanda’s cubicle wall, talking
to her. She talked back. He bent down and started whispering in her ear. Brian’s heart began racing. He
felt like a voyeur, but couldn’t look away. Josh straightened up and looked around, saw Brian staring at
them, winked, smiled and took her hand in his. She rose to him and he led her to the storage room; the
infamous storage room. Josh had even gotten the supervisor, a late-fifties consummate professional no
less, back into that dreadful room, so was it any surprise that Amanda was willing? Yes, frankly, it was.
That’s not who he knew Amanda to be. Not who she was. Yet there she went, her hand in his, willingly
following him into that godforsaken room.
Brian sat down in his chair, gazing into the blank monitor screen as if for guidance. You know what to do,
Xavier’s voice echoed in his head. You’ve known what to do all along. You’re just too chicken shit to do
it. What happened to the Brian who trained me? The Brian I know?
“Shut up, just shut up. I can't go back. I can't go down that road again.”
That's right Brian, you can't, David said. You travel the road of the righteous now, the road of the
forgiven. Say your mantra Brian. Say it and go with God.
”The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,” Brian began.
Oh quit with the God talk you pussy.
“He maketh me lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside the still waters.”
Oh Jesus H. Christ, get the fuck past the minister's bullshit and go be a fucking MAN!
“He restoreth my soul, He leadeth me in the paths of the righteous for His name's sake.”
Did you hear that?
Brian stopped. Yes, he had heard it. A muffled cry?
He's making you hear things Brian, you need to focus. Your nerves are creating this. An auditory
hallucination Brian, it's nothing. Nothing is happening. She's not yours, she's his. Let them be.
”She's hurt,” he mouthed.
But was it real? Or had he just imagined it? Had Xavier willed it from his conscious so that he would act?
The door to the storage room opened and Josh walked out. Brian heard this, but did not see it.
Footsteps echoed in the silent office towards him. They grew closer and then stopped behind him. Brian
sighed, but did not turn around.
”You didn't think you could keep her from me did ya sport?”
Brian looked at the blank monitor screen.
Fuck this asshole up! Be still, be righteous.
“That's what I thought.”
Josh turned and left. Brian stood and looked to the storage room. Only one pair of footsteps had come
out.
It's too late Brian, you're too late.
“What have I done?” he whispered, heading for the room. “What did he do?”
The door was unlocked and he threw it open, looking around for any sign of her. A turned over stack of
reams of paper, but that was about it. He stepped inside and sniffed the air. He could smell sweat and
anger as if it were tangible. Something's terribly wrong here, he thought, scanning the room. He looked
at the storage bins, grotesque images running through his mind. He grabbed a few and looked behind
them, but found nothing, just office supplies and dead space. Then where was she? He turned and left.
Maybe she left before Josh, maybe she left him there hanging in the breeze. Maybe he had been right all
along, maybe she was exactly the kind of person he knew her to be. Maybe she was his friend after all.
Maybe she played him. But what if she hadn't?
“I'm going to kill him,” Brian told the room. “And I'm going to be very slow about it.”
No, Brian, you can't do that. You're rehabilitated! You're a new man! You are righteous! Don't be stupid,
Xavier spoke up, don't do it yourself. Make a phone call. You know who. Brian no! Don't listen to him.
Recite your psalm, go with God.
Brian bent his head. What could he hope to accomplish standing here? Even if he wanted to, Josh would
probably out muscle him. Xavier's voice was right, he could make one phone call and everything would be
righted. No, you can't do this. You can't go back now, you've come so far.
Brian walked out of the storage room and went back to his desk.
The rest of the day played out like a dream. Brian sloughed through his menial workload, trying to focus
his mind on anything but what had become of Amanda. The clocked ticked the seconds away into
minutes, the minutes into hours until the 5 o'clock chime sounded. He watched through callous eyes the
clerks and service reps all leaving, marching off towards another party. In particular, he watched Josh
leaving with his crowd of adoring fans. Josh turned and winked at him as he left and no one seemed to
notice the missing AR girl. Not that they would have cared anyway.
Desperate, Brian reached into his pants pocket and dialed the only number he knew could solve this
whole mess. Despite the clamor in his mind, Brian said what he needed to say to whom he needed to say
it and didn't think twice about either of the voices in his head. With that done, he scrolled through his
contact list until he came across Amanda's number. He pressed send and waited for the line to connect.
Across the office he heard a duck quacking. He got up and ran towards the noise, arriving at her desk.
The duck call stopped just as he pulled up, so he dialed the number again. The duck began again from
inside her bottom desk drawer. Frantic, Brian pulled the drawer open and found her purse and empty
lunch bag. She's still here, he thought, straightening up and looking at the storage room.
Josh never saw the Lincoln Town Car following him. Nor did he see two men emerge from it when he
pulled into his apartment complex and got out. He never saw them follow him into the unlocked building;
they took the stairs while he rode the elevator to the second floor. He never saw them come up behind
him in the hallway; he never had any idea what lay in store for him until they kicked his door open while
he tried to shut it.
Brian sat motionless, listening to the passing of cars below and the slight moan of wind against the
window glass. He listened for anyone else in the office, but heard nothing. He relished the silence in his
head, glad to be rid of any sort of civil war that might occur there. Something moved.
His eyes snapped back to the storage room. It moved again. He walked up the aisle and down the other
side towards the storage room. It moved again, this time louder and with more effort. He tried the door
and found it locked. The puzzle piece fell from the heavens and clicked into place in his mind. He kicked at
the door. It rattled the hinges, but refused to give. He kicked again and again until the locking thumb
tore free of its metal sleeve. The door flung inwards. Brian stepped inside and looked around.
“Help.” It was barely above a whisper, but he heard it loud and clear.
Brian went to the back corner, near where the bins of office supplies were. One of the bins stuck out
farther than the rest. Brian went to it, knowing what he'd already find and still, he couldn't stomach it.
Brian pulled her out of the bin, grabbed the box cutter on the shelf and cut the packing tape that bound
her ankles and hands together. He grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the same rack and used it to wipe
some of the blood from her nose and mouth. He pushed the bin aside and found her torn slacks, and
fumbling, helped her put them back on. God only knew where her underwear wound up. Amanda
buttoned her blouse in silence, tears spilling down her swollen cheeks and stinging the open wounds on
her lips.
Josh managed a garbled plea for his life through the congealing blood in his throat and mouth. The two
men left the apartment and locked the door behind them with Josh's key. They exited the building and
left in their car without anyone noticing as Josh fell off the chair that restrained him, the nine-inch nails
protruding from his knees clinking off the tile floor. His face struck one of the six fingers they removed
and sent it skittering into a gelatinous facsimile of his left eye and past what had once been his nose.
Consciousness drained from his remaining eye as the pain roared from the darkness and swallowed him
whole.
Brian helped her into the passenger seat of his car, closed the door and walked around to the other side.
They drove in silence to the hospital, where they went in through a back entrance, led by an orderly and
a doctor, who promised to do everything in their power to make Amanda whole again. She looked
through a swollen eye at Brian, knowing being whole meant being with him. He smiled at her and took her
hand as they loaded her onto a gurney.
“It's gonna be okay,” he told her.
His cell phone rang. He turned from her and answered.
“It's done,” the man on the other line said.
“Good. Any witnesses?”
“ 'Course not.”
“Is he dead?”
“He wishes he was.”
“Good.”
“What about your 'rehabilitation' and all that newfound goodness?”
“Old habits die hard.”
“It's good to have you back, boss,” Xavier said, pulling the Town Car into the hospital parking lot.
regard.
Brian glared at the monitor in front him, smoothing the pleats on his pants with one hand and balling the
other into a fist. The fluorescent lights overhead illuminated the contours in his forehead where veins
threatened to break through. Slowly, one finger at a time, his right hand released and he laid it on the
desk palm up, looking at the neat little crescents where his nails had bitten into his palm.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,” Brian whispered, “For thou
art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” The mantra faded from his lips when he felt his
heart slow down and the anger recede from his face. He turned back to the monitor and started typing
again.
The office chatter rose on the other side. Like a prairie dog, Brian stood and looked towards the
commotion. Of course, he thought to himself, only one source for commotion in this place. Josh was
telling one of his stories of long nights and drunk maidens to anyone who would listen (which just so
happened to be everyone in the western hemisphere). Brian severely wanted to hit something. Instead,
he glanced at the clock on the wall behind him. Twenty minutes to lunch, I can make that, he told himself.
Brian glanced through his inbox, opened the account files that needed to be added to the system, set
the station on standby, got up and walked to the bathroom. Of course, in order to get to the bathroom
he had to walk through the Josh fan club.
“Sheep,” he muttered under his breath as he kept his head down and weaved through the cubicle aisles
to the men’s room.
He tended to the business at hand, rolled his sleeves up and washed his hands. He dried his hands on a
paper towel then used it to open the door. He stepped out and right into a blurred female figure.
Instinctively, he grabbed her shoulders to keep her from falling, in the meantime catching her auburn hair
between his hands and her jacket.
“Ouch, man!” she nearly shouted.
Brian released and stepped back, flustered.
“Sorry, didn’t see you there,” he said, suddenly recognizing her. “Oh, hey, Amanda.”
“Oh, Bri, hey, what’s up?”
He laughed, “Not much. You? How’s accounts receivable?”
“Same shit, different day.”
“You’re telling me,” he said smiling.
“Speaking of, I should probably get back.”
“Oh right. Well, I’ll see ya.”
“K,” she said as he turned and walked away. “Oh, hey, Bri?” He turned, eyebrows raised. “You might want
to cover those up.”
He looked down at his tattooed arms and rolled his sleeves back down.
“Thanks,” he said and walked back to his desk. From his vantage point, he watched her glide back to her
seat, grab a brown bag from under her desk, rise and head towards the elevator. He checked the time,
grabbed his own bag, logged off for lunch and headed towards the elevator. He had to quick-step it to
make it there, but managed to slide between the closing doors.
“Where you headed?” Amanda asked him.
“Just wondering if you’d mind some company?” he said.
She smiled. “Not at all. You up for a picnic?”
“Always,” he said, returning the smile.
12:30 p.m. brought about the migration of office workers from the cafeteria and surrounding corporate
park back into the building. For the most part, people traveled in small groups of two or three, except for
one large contingent, at the center of which strode Josh. Brian would have glared had he not been so
preoccupied with watching Amanda.
“That was fun, we’ll have to do it again,” she said, smiling and walking back to her desk.
Brian turned and went to his own, still watching. The second group—the Josh fan club—came out of the
elevator’s second trip and herded towards their respective stations. Only one departed, Brian, their
leader. He left the others to their own devices, much to their chagrin Brian was sure and headed across
the office to where Amanda sat.
“No,” he whispered, his hands balling into fists. “No.”
Josh put one hand on the back of her chair and the other on top of her hand as she maneuvered the
mouse. He was saying something to her and she was smiling and laughing. About what? Brian knew
what. The only thing they could be smiling and laughing at. And, as if on cue, Josh looked up at him,
smiled, winked, then turned back to Amanda and kept talking. If she wasn’t receptive of his moves, she
certainly didn’t show it.
“No,” Brian mouthed, unable to actually speak. His hands were slick with sweat and blood that peeked
around his nails. “No.” He shook his head. This couldn’t be happening. How long had it been since he’d
actually spoke to someone other than his two constant mental companions? How long since he’d spoken
to a girl? How long since he’d had a girl speak to him? “No.” Of all the offices; of all the departments; of
all the girls, why, God, why did he set his sights on Amanda? Why? “You should have known better,” he
said to himself, logging onto the computer and resuming his menial job. “Should have fuckin’ known
better.”
The end of the day came and went; as did the rest of the night. Brian made his required phone calls,
attended his required meetings, and read his required books. He said the 23rd. psalm, climbed into bed
and fell asleep to the image of the moon drifting through the slits on his shades.
Friday morning came to the sound of Brian's obnoxious alarm clock. He shut the alarm off, showered,
brushed his teeth, grabbed a banana and the lunch he had made last night from the refrigerator and
headed out the door. He took the bus to the stop at the entrance to the corporate park, got off with a
few other people he worked with but didn’t care to know and made his way into the building. He clocked
in and started his daily routine all over again.
He opened the email program, went through the account files and there, staring him in the face was one
from Amanda. He clicked on it. Only one line long, but it stung like a knife in the shoulder blade. Josh
invited me out to the clubs with him tonight, wanna come? He supposed he should feel better knowing
that she thought of him enough to want to include him. But what stopped that thought process before it
even got started was the simple fact that she could not only stand Josh, she actually wanted to spend
time with him. She wanted to join the sheep, the Josh-zombies. He deleted it and let it go.
Lunch time came and he found himself steeling his nerves against the anxiety gripping him to stand up
and go with her. No, he told himself, if she wants to willingly walk into the lion’s den as just another
sheep, she’s not worth your time. Sheep are sheep and wolves are wolves, he thought. According to
public officials, Brian was certainly not considered a ‘sheep’, nor could he stand anyone labeled as such.
“Hey, you, whatcha doin’ hidin’ back here for?” Amanda asked. He turned in his chair and looked at her
with the kind of lingering detachment. Her smile never faltered. “You wanna do lunch?”
Was she for real? This might just be your chance to save the sheep, he thought. This might just be
your chance at something better, something worthwhile. Maybe he could save her from the lion’s den.
“Sure, I’ve just had a lot of accounts to add today.”
She nodded as if she had any idea what he actually did on his side of the office and let him lead her to
the elevator. The rest of the Josh fan club had already left, and he felt secure enough to hold the doors
for her and pretend like nothing happened.
As they sat watching the geese splash around in the large pond at the center of the park, she asked, “So
you don’t read your email?”
“Huh?”
“I sent you something yesterday and you haven’t sent anything back yet.”
Brian remembered the email. It all seemed like a year ago.
“Oh, right, sorry, just forgot about it,” he lied.
“Well…?”
“I’d rather not.”
“Why?”
“I’d just rather not,” he said, turning away from her.
How do you explain loathing?
“Oh, ok. Well it just sounded like fun.”
“Not with him it doesn’t.”
“What do you mean, ‘with him’?”
“Let’s just say me and Josh aren’t on the best of terms.”
“Why?”
“Just aren’t.”
“Oh come on, you have to have a reason for not liking Josh. I mean everybody likes Josh. You’re the first
person I’ve met who…”
“Yeah, well there are firsts for everything,” he cut her off.
“Ok, then,” she said, getting up and walking towards the building.
He watched her go, regretting his words, but at the same time grateful he hadn’t lied about them.
The day concluded the same as any other, with Brian walking to the bus stop alone. The ride home was
long and lonely, as it always was.
A full week passed before the blatant manifestation of a relationship blossomed for the office to see. At
first, Amanda had given nothing away, but as the week progressed, however, Josh's touching increased
in both frequency and intimacy. Yet, at the same time, Brian knew that some piece of the puzzle lay
hidden from view. Something did not fit here.
Brian and Amanda had met on orientation day, more than two months ago. He knew they had hit it off
right away and was proud of himself for it. It was a step towards 'progress', towards 're-assimilation into
society'. Brian being, well…Brian, had not pursued her, but kept tabs on her and they talked off and on
through email correspondence. And while no intimate relationship had developed, Brian considered
Amanda his friend; his first new friend. And what he knew about Amanda led him to believe that Josh's
advances were little more than an act to make people believe he had secured another proverbial notch on
his belt.
“That’s got to piss him off,” Brian said to no one in particular.
Then it happened. Friday afternoon, right before lunch…
Brian grabbed his lunch bag, logged off the computer and stood up. The office sat empty, devoid of any
employees other than himself; except for two others. Josh leaned against Amanda’s cubicle wall, talking
to her. She talked back. He bent down and started whispering in her ear. Brian’s heart began racing. He
felt like a voyeur, but couldn’t look away. Josh straightened up and looked around, saw Brian staring at
them, winked, smiled and took her hand in his. She rose to him and he led her to the storage room; the
infamous storage room. Josh had even gotten the supervisor, a late-fifties consummate professional no
less, back into that dreadful room, so was it any surprise that Amanda was willing? Yes, frankly, it was.
That’s not who he knew Amanda to be. Not who she was. Yet there she went, her hand in his, willingly
following him into that godforsaken room.
Brian sat down in his chair, gazing into the blank monitor screen as if for guidance. You know what to do,
Xavier’s voice echoed in his head. You’ve known what to do all along. You’re just too chicken shit to do
it. What happened to the Brian who trained me? The Brian I know?
“Shut up, just shut up. I can't go back. I can't go down that road again.”
That's right Brian, you can't, David said. You travel the road of the righteous now, the road of the
forgiven. Say your mantra Brian. Say it and go with God.
”The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,” Brian began.
Oh quit with the God talk you pussy.
“He maketh me lie down in green pastures, He leadeth me beside the still waters.”
Oh Jesus H. Christ, get the fuck past the minister's bullshit and go be a fucking MAN!
“He restoreth my soul, He leadeth me in the paths of the righteous for His name's sake.”
Did you hear that?
Brian stopped. Yes, he had heard it. A muffled cry?
He's making you hear things Brian, you need to focus. Your nerves are creating this. An auditory
hallucination Brian, it's nothing. Nothing is happening. She's not yours, she's his. Let them be.
”She's hurt,” he mouthed.
But was it real? Or had he just imagined it? Had Xavier willed it from his conscious so that he would act?
The door to the storage room opened and Josh walked out. Brian heard this, but did not see it.
Footsteps echoed in the silent office towards him. They grew closer and then stopped behind him. Brian
sighed, but did not turn around.
”You didn't think you could keep her from me did ya sport?”
Brian looked at the blank monitor screen.
Fuck this asshole up! Be still, be righteous.
“That's what I thought.”
Josh turned and left. Brian stood and looked to the storage room. Only one pair of footsteps had come
out.
It's too late Brian, you're too late.
“What have I done?” he whispered, heading for the room. “What did he do?”
The door was unlocked and he threw it open, looking around for any sign of her. A turned over stack of
reams of paper, but that was about it. He stepped inside and sniffed the air. He could smell sweat and
anger as if it were tangible. Something's terribly wrong here, he thought, scanning the room. He looked
at the storage bins, grotesque images running through his mind. He grabbed a few and looked behind
them, but found nothing, just office supplies and dead space. Then where was she? He turned and left.
Maybe she left before Josh, maybe she left him there hanging in the breeze. Maybe he had been right all
along, maybe she was exactly the kind of person he knew her to be. Maybe she was his friend after all.
Maybe she played him. But what if she hadn't?
“I'm going to kill him,” Brian told the room. “And I'm going to be very slow about it.”
No, Brian, you can't do that. You're rehabilitated! You're a new man! You are righteous! Don't be stupid,
Xavier spoke up, don't do it yourself. Make a phone call. You know who. Brian no! Don't listen to him.
Recite your psalm, go with God.
Brian bent his head. What could he hope to accomplish standing here? Even if he wanted to, Josh would
probably out muscle him. Xavier's voice was right, he could make one phone call and everything would be
righted. No, you can't do this. You can't go back now, you've come so far.
Brian walked out of the storage room and went back to his desk.
The rest of the day played out like a dream. Brian sloughed through his menial workload, trying to focus
his mind on anything but what had become of Amanda. The clocked ticked the seconds away into
minutes, the minutes into hours until the 5 o'clock chime sounded. He watched through callous eyes the
clerks and service reps all leaving, marching off towards another party. In particular, he watched Josh
leaving with his crowd of adoring fans. Josh turned and winked at him as he left and no one seemed to
notice the missing AR girl. Not that they would have cared anyway.
Desperate, Brian reached into his pants pocket and dialed the only number he knew could solve this
whole mess. Despite the clamor in his mind, Brian said what he needed to say to whom he needed to say
it and didn't think twice about either of the voices in his head. With that done, he scrolled through his
contact list until he came across Amanda's number. He pressed send and waited for the line to connect.
Across the office he heard a duck quacking. He got up and ran towards the noise, arriving at her desk.
The duck call stopped just as he pulled up, so he dialed the number again. The duck began again from
inside her bottom desk drawer. Frantic, Brian pulled the drawer open and found her purse and empty
lunch bag. She's still here, he thought, straightening up and looking at the storage room.
Josh never saw the Lincoln Town Car following him. Nor did he see two men emerge from it when he
pulled into his apartment complex and got out. He never saw them follow him into the unlocked building;
they took the stairs while he rode the elevator to the second floor. He never saw them come up behind
him in the hallway; he never had any idea what lay in store for him until they kicked his door open while
he tried to shut it.
Brian sat motionless, listening to the passing of cars below and the slight moan of wind against the
window glass. He listened for anyone else in the office, but heard nothing. He relished the silence in his
head, glad to be rid of any sort of civil war that might occur there. Something moved.
His eyes snapped back to the storage room. It moved again. He walked up the aisle and down the other
side towards the storage room. It moved again, this time louder and with more effort. He tried the door
and found it locked. The puzzle piece fell from the heavens and clicked into place in his mind. He kicked at
the door. It rattled the hinges, but refused to give. He kicked again and again until the locking thumb
tore free of its metal sleeve. The door flung inwards. Brian stepped inside and looked around.
“Help.” It was barely above a whisper, but he heard it loud and clear.
Brian went to the back corner, near where the bins of office supplies were. One of the bins stuck out
farther than the rest. Brian went to it, knowing what he'd already find and still, he couldn't stomach it.
Brian pulled her out of the bin, grabbed the box cutter on the shelf and cut the packing tape that bound
her ankles and hands together. He grabbed a roll of toilet paper from the same rack and used it to wipe
some of the blood from her nose and mouth. He pushed the bin aside and found her torn slacks, and
fumbling, helped her put them back on. God only knew where her underwear wound up. Amanda
buttoned her blouse in silence, tears spilling down her swollen cheeks and stinging the open wounds on
her lips.
Josh managed a garbled plea for his life through the congealing blood in his throat and mouth. The two
men left the apartment and locked the door behind them with Josh's key. They exited the building and
left in their car without anyone noticing as Josh fell off the chair that restrained him, the nine-inch nails
protruding from his knees clinking off the tile floor. His face struck one of the six fingers they removed
and sent it skittering into a gelatinous facsimile of his left eye and past what had once been his nose.
Consciousness drained from his remaining eye as the pain roared from the darkness and swallowed him
whole.
Brian helped her into the passenger seat of his car, closed the door and walked around to the other side.
They drove in silence to the hospital, where they went in through a back entrance, led by an orderly and
a doctor, who promised to do everything in their power to make Amanda whole again. She looked
through a swollen eye at Brian, knowing being whole meant being with him. He smiled at her and took her
hand as they loaded her onto a gurney.
“It's gonna be okay,” he told her.
His cell phone rang. He turned from her and answered.
“It's done,” the man on the other line said.
“Good. Any witnesses?”
“ 'Course not.”
“Is he dead?”
“He wishes he was.”
“Good.”
“What about your 'rehabilitation' and all that newfound goodness?”
“Old habits die hard.”
“It's good to have you back, boss,” Xavier said, pulling the Town Car into the hospital parking lot.
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